Heart-broken

I got my heart broken last night. The problem is I don't think I have the right to be upset. He never made me any promises. He never made any moves. We were not dating. What happened last night was that I lost a relationship opportunity. One that I had invested too much of my heart in.

I'm always diving heart first into things. I feel like such a fool for allowing myself to get so hopeful and invested in this. I did it without any solid indication that there was the same feelings on the other side of the equation. What was I thinking?

I'm still in shock. I haven't cried. I'm not mad. I'm not jealous. There is just this ache in the middle of my chest. With all the failed relationships I have been in somewhere I learned how to disconnect my tear ducts from the pain.

I'm not processing anything. I'm not letting it flit through my head at all. I'm afraid if I do I'll upset this precarious balance I have going right now. I have to work. I have to pay my bills. I have to function.

I woke up at 3am last night and couldn't get back to sleep. I went from being so hot I couldn't stand it to being absolutely freezing without enough blankets to warm me up. So at 6:30 I hauled myself out of bed and got ready for work.

Here I sit in my co-worker's cubicle contemplating the work I have to do for her. But I can't focus.

This is so devastating because he was perfect in so many ways. He is wonderful. I still believe that. He is a good man no matter what has passed.

"Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl"